i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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