I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
