man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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