I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
