I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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