My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
