A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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