I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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