Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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