Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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