i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
