I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
