I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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