ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Randomize
