Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's rum buckets o'clock
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
