So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
