They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
