Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
