shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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