OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
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Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
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I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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