I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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