OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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