Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
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I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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