so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
