Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
