i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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