Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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