My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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