She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
