Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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