There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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