im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You need Xanax blowdarts
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
