Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
