the new term for farting is butt boxing.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I got inside last night via doggy door
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
