If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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