also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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