peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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