everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
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Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
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This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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