I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
