meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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