I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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