Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
