I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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