1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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