at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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