he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
