FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
