Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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