I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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