what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
