you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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