if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
