I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
