Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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